the clear blue

Roadside confusion — stroking out on Interstate 10.

"I thought I was just being clumsy. I tried to close the door and it hit my foot, I missed the light switch three times. I went to the sink and turned on the water. When I looked up at the mirror I saw my face and tried to say "Oh, God," but I couldn't talk.

"Then I was scared but really confused. I turned to leave the bathroom and walked right into the door. I tried to holler for help but that must have been when I passed out.

"Some other tourist found me on the floor and called an ambulance. Someone had stolen my purse and money, too, I guess. It took a few weeks to put the memories back together. I still don't know exactly what happened, except that I had a stroke outta the clear blue."

__________________________________________________

death factories

Farming — moving right along, dead kittens and all.

"My dog died when I was seven. There's a lot of dying on a farm: cats, cows, chickens. Farms are death factories.

"I once watched our hired man casually kick aside two dying kittens on his way to the calf pens. He was what you'd call a gentle man, too, someone who'd stay up all night helping deliver a calf.

"The standards are different on a farm. You respect life but you also need to move along. There's no time to agonize over things."

__________________________________________________

whatever it takes

Working for a living — collecting the cash and calming down the boss.

"When I was about eighteen I worked for a guy who was a crook, really, but he was okay to me. He never hurt anyone that I heard of. He was only crooked because he loaned money to people and he wasn't a registered bank, if you know what I mean.

"Anyway, my job was to run around and collect the cash. I was a big kid, about 250 pounds and six feet four. I was always goofing around, and somehow that scared people. It made me seem unpredictable, I guess. That's why my boss hired me. He said even he flinched sometimes when he was around me.

"I worked for him for almost three years, collected a pile of money, and never once had to hurt anyone. He'd tell me to do whatever it took. I carried brass knuckles in my back pocket just so he'd calm down about me being too soft.

"I guess the biggest lesson I learned from that era was you can't tell much about someone by how they act or what they say. People say and do whatever it takes to get through the day. There's really no such thing as your personality."

__________________________________________________

we can't stay home

Saving you — no matter what.

"Rescuing someone is a death defying act. We are the ones who come after you first, to save you, no matter what. We save people first, then we go back in to make a living."

"There's no time we aren't on duty. We answer our phones 24 hours a day. When there's trouble we can't stay home."

______________________________

short slashes

Feeling alive — barely bloody cuts.

"I would carve short slashes into my arms and ribs. Just barely bloody cuts. The pain was dull and sharp both.

"Everybody cuts. Everybody does something that makes them feel alive. Abusing yourself is a stupid term. Abusing yourself is living with the boredom."

______________________________

more summer camp

Young girls at the water fountain; summer horseback riding camp; central Vermont.

Girls in dorm; summer camp in central Vermont.

Young girl reads letter at summer camp; New England.

______________________________